cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Your dad touched me again.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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