shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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