Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
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there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
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Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dicks are not precious.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.