if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches