He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
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we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
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I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?