I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
