Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
