if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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