Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
