my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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