I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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