SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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