i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
