He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
