guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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