Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
