So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
