The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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