She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
