So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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