got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And then my night got REAL pukey
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
