I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
