He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
