well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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