I look better un-naked...
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
