apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
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I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
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Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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