yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
