She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
