Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
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I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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