I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
