the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
