yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
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She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
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And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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