Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
