fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
