My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
