WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
