why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
