PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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