i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
