I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
