is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
