He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
