a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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