Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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