I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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