I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
