mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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