OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
