The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Randomize
