1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
