Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The Olympian is in my bed
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