On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
