Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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