totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
