I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
